Top Chef: Week 12 Power Rankings

You'll always have Paris Tiffany...

Week 11 Power Rankings

1. Angelo (last week: 4): Begrudgingly, we put Angelo back at #1, all weird sex stuff he talks about aside.
2. Ed (last week: 2): Still in the running for the top spot, but might be disheartened now that his lady friend got the boot. 
3. Kelly (last week: 3): "Somone's going to have to outcook me to send me home," Kelly quipped.  Thanks, because we weren't sure how this whole cooking-competition thing worked.
4. Kevin (last week: 5): When Tiffany was told to pack her knives, Kevin audibly whispered, "Thank you lord Jesus."  Because apparently, Jesus hates Tiffany.  This quote annoyed us enough to put him on the bottom.

Eliminated: Tiffany, Amanda, Alex, Kenny, Stephen, Andrea, Tamesha, Timothy, Lynne, Arnold, Tracey, Jacqueline, John.

[photo: Bravo]

 

Top Chef: F this show

L-R: Dana Cowin, Fabrizio Moretti

We're seriously about to stop watching this crap.  Tiffany: we heart you.

Angelo's Love Life

• Angelo was divorced last year. But, "her family was all about saving face, they wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer."  What?  No seriously ... What?  Side note: he just got divorced last year but he already has a mail order bride lined up? 
• "I tingle when I think about [Singapore]."  Sounds like crabs isn't the only venerial disease Angelo's got.
• "I felt like I made love to [the short ribs]. I constantly heated them up, I glazed them, then when I thought they were glazed enough, I re-glazed them."  Ah, every girl's sexual fantasy: re-glazing.  Anthony Bourdain, rightly, called him on this, saying, "I have no idea what you're talking about."  But a couple minutes later, we think we heard Bourdain say "I'm a slut for fish sauce," so ... maybe not the best judgment, there.

Miscellany

• Ed noted, "I happen to be friends with [Dana Cowin] on Facebook for some reason, even though she doesn't know who the hell I am."  You mean you're not actually friends with all your Facebook friends?  Weird.  Never heard of that.
• When Dana was talking about wine pairings, we thought she said "90% of parents are awful."  That's a whole different show, there. 
• Remember freeze dried ice cream? Did anyone else have that?
• Dana disapproved of Kevin's pairing, leading him to complain that if the editor of Food and Wine doesn't like your pairing, "it doesn't get much worse than that."  Yes, Kevin: there is no worse fate than someone thinking quail doesn't go with merlot. 

Tune in tomorrow morning for our Power Rankings.  Not that they mean anything anymore.  (If we were this type of person, here is where we would say something obnoxious like *frowns.*  Luckily we're not.)

[photo: Bravo]

Top Chef: Week 11 Power Rankings

The real Power Rankings loser this week? Padma's outfit.

Week 11 Power Rankings

1. Tiffany (last week: 1): Yeah, yeah -- we know Ed won both challenges.  But we really like Tiffany, so ... go get your own blog.

2. Ed (last week: 3): This guy gets huge points for acting excited when Rick Moonen announced the prize for winning the Elimination Challenge was ... a copy of Rick's book.  That and $12 will buy you ... another copy of Rick's book.

3. Kelly (last week: 3): Stays in the top-3 this week because, as Angelo tells us, "Kelly's pretty strategical."

4. Angelo (last week: 2): Serious slippage in the ranks lately, mostly due to us being creeped out he prayed in front of shrines to like, Julia Child or some s**t.

5. Kevin (last week: 5): It seems like it's a matter of hours until he loses all ability to control his anger issues.

Eliminated: Amanda, Alex, Kenny, Stephen, Andrea, Tamesha, Timothy, Lynne, Arnold, Tracey, Jacqueline, John.

[photo: Bravo]
 

Top Chef: "It needed textural integration."

Wait, what? There's a game today?

We're so glad the Quickfire challenge gave Padma even more chances to use annoying cliche catchphrases.  "Hail to the chef" just wasn't enough for us.

Quote book

• Padma, to Kelly at the start of the Quickfire: "Hopefully you won't have to have sour grapes."  Yes, Padma, hopefully she won't lose miserably and then be bitter about it.
• Angelo, after not being in the top for the Quickfire: "That's really great Ed won.  I could just see his face on the packaging.  You know, because his face kind of looks like a potato."  Hmm.  See above.
• One of the Nationals, about Ed's risotto balls: "It's like a chewed up caterpillar ... exploding in my mouth."  Dude, if there is really a caterpillar out there that can explode after it's already been chewed, that's got to be somehow useful to Homeland Security or some crap.  Quick!  Someone write Leon Panetta a note about it!

People are annoying.

• HOW HARD IS IT TO EAT MEAT OFF OF A STICK?  Newsflash, Eric Ripert/half of the Washington metro area: slide the damn meat a little farther down the skewer.  Or, you could just continue to STAB YOURSELF IN THE UVULA WITH IT.  Either way.  Your call.
• Shouldn't these ballplayers be eating like, Power Bars or something?  Corn fritters and raw tuna are the new ... regular food people would eat before engaging in a sporting event.
• Rick Moonen: "Kelly treated the crab with a good deal of respect."  Except for the part about frying its dead flesh for consumption by the stupid throat-skewering masses.

 In conclusion, to quote one of the random Nationals fans: "I need some beer."

[photo: Bravo]

Top Chef: Week 10 Power Rankings

Shoulder spoons are soooo Fall 2009.

We really didn't think there was anything that could pull the spotlight away from Alex's long overdue elimination, but did anyone else hear Angelo refer to himself as Ange?

Week 10 Power Rankings 

1. Tiffany (last week: 2): At this point, we're really hoping we get invited to Tiffany's wedding. Or honeymoon. Either way, we're not picky.

2. Angelo (last week: 1): Frozen puff pastry? Seriously? Now this Facebook page has a legitimate gripe.

3. Kelly (last week: 5): How bad-ass is Kelly for sneaking a peek at a pre-made Kung Pao sauce? Helen Keller never would've thought of that.

4. Ed (last week: 3): Muffin Winthrope would've taken his lady on a vacation by now.

5. Kevin (last week: 4): "Seeing that seal, there's so many people that will never get to do anything remotely like this." Unless they take the virtual tour online by clicking right here.

6. Amanda (last week: 6): God, we really hope there's some sort of Top Chef Amanda spinoff.

Eliminated: Alex, Kenny, Stephen, Andrea, Tamesha, Timothy, Lynne, Arnold, Tracey, Jacqueline, John.

[photo: Bravo]

Top Chef: "This is where major shit goes down."

 Box purchased at the same store bank robbers get 

those big bags with the dollar signs on them

We have just four words for you to start out this recap, kids: "Alex. Quickfire. Equals. Bottom."


Wedding Bells

• We suspected the producers might be influencing the outcome of challenges when they announced next week's quickfire prize would be a big white dress and dinner for 150.
• Angelo noted his "fiancee" lived in Russia and he needed the $10,000 to get her here.  Right, if by fiancee, he means "mail order bride."

Amanda ... seriously?

• "That was the most nighmarish mystery box challenge ... EVER!"  As opposed to all the other mystery box challenges you've done in your life, which each went swimmingly.
• "I could seduce some secrets out of the KGB."  Is us hating Russians ... still a thing?  Pretty sure that's over.
• "Helen Keller could guess what my dish was."  Because there's nothing like being deaf and blind to keep someone from tasting french onion soup.

Things we think may have been in that note to Leon Panetta:

• secrets of how Wylie Dufresne looks so youthful, despite having come of age in Civil War times
• this
• proof Alex stole the pea puree

We were experiencing technical difficulties earlier this week, so thanks for sticking with us!  Don't forget to follow us on Twitter.

 [photo: Bravo]

Top Chef: Week 9 Power Rankings

Scrubbing down the table, just like Alex showed her. 

So ... who's going to beat Angelo now? Amanda? 

Week 9 Power Rankings 

1. Angelo (last week: 1): Kelly's dish had no flavor, but she did have crabs in it. Kinda like Angelo!

2. Tiffany (last week: 2): We picked Tiffany first after Angelo cause she's an awesome chef, not because we totally have a crush on her and want her to be our girlfriend, even though Angelo is still available to be on our team and is clearly the best chef. Yep.

3. Ed (last week: 5): Anyone else think Ed's species of flatfish in the family Scophthalmidae, that's native to marine or brackish waters of the North Atlantic looked totally delicious?

4. Kevin (last week: 6): #@$& %*!@$)(# %&^!@* $&$)&#@%(*& #$

5. Kelly (last week: 4): Oh-my-god. Our husband usually writes these Power Rankings so we totally have no idea what to do. This is awkward.

6. Amanda (last week: 8): How drunk was Amanda during judges' table? One of us commented, "her hair looks drunk."

7. Alex (last week: 7): HOW ARE YOU STILL ON THIS SHOW. WTF. MUCHO RAPIDO. 

Eliminated: Kenny, Stephen, Andrea, Tamesha, Timothy, Lynne, Arnold, Tracey, Jacqueline, John.

[photo: Bravo.]