Masters of Their Domain

When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way ...

Whilst the world waits for Padma to pop out that baby so Top Chef: Original can start filming again, we at PPYKAG have to whet our reality-show appetites with the new season of Top Chef Masters (because even we won't watch Kell on Earth ... and we DVR'ed a National Geographic special on whether head shrinkers still exist. Spoiler alert: they don't).

EW.com has just announced the cast of Masters Season 2, which will premiere April 7 at 11 p.m. on Bravo. Of the 22 chefs, six return from last year, including Wylie "still-rockin'-the-Civil-War-style" Dufresne.

"Goody Proctor, pray tell, dost thou like thy hardtack sous vide?"*
*In an effort to sound Civil-Warry, we may have mixed in some
words from The Crucible and/or the King James Bible.

Also appearing in this season will be "celebrity" guest judges Mekhi Phifer, Tamra Barney, and Jason Lezak. AKA: "Hasn't Been In Anything Since 8 Mile," "Getting Divorced And Needs The Money," and "Olympic Swimmer Who Is Not Michael Phelps." These discerning palates will make up for the fact Kelly Choi hasn't eaten since the late '90s.

Please have a sandwich.

[Photos: Bravo. Except for the Civil War one, which is from, like, the Days of Yore.]

Giving new meaning to the "Beard Rising Star Award"

Surprising a grand total of zero people, Kevin wins Fan Favorite. "Somebody’s got to stand up for the pale-faced redheaded kids," he said in accepting his prize last night. Yeah, seriously.

[Photo: Bravo]

I'll Shave Your Neck Hair If You Shave Mine...

Seriously, who watches this?

Hopefully someone out there watched Launch My Line so they can tell us about the exclusive Top Chef videos featured therein. Anyone? Bueller? Yeah, we thought not. Stick to what you're good at, Bravo. And it ain't Chef Academy, we can tell you that.

This week's reunion episode was lamentably tame, compared to the shitshows that the Real Housewives reunions usually devolve into. Not that we watch those.

Some highlights:

• Is it just us, or does Andy Cohen maybe have a wonky eye?

• Colicchio reported Jesse couldn't make it because she "wasn't feeling well." Right ... if by "not feeling well," you mean, "still stuck in a shame spiral."

• Mike V.'s jacket was like some sort of disco king in space situation ... perhaps Padma's stylist has gotten another client?

• Andy introduced Mama Voltaggio by saying she was someone who "has known Michael and Bryan since they were very small." Very small?? You mean, since they came out of her loins?? (editor's note: Having been there, I'm pretty sure she wished they'd been even smaller.)

• Mike I. just called Mattin "Martin," right?

• Why did Colicchio become Eddie Haskell in front of Bryan and Mike's mom? "You did such a great job raising your sons, Mrs. V.! Can Wally and the Beave come out and play?"

• Ash and Ashley not only have matching names, they also have matching outfits.

We're not even going to go near that Padma comment about "eating lots of huevos." If you're not familiar with Spanish colloquialisms ... now is not the time to get acquainted with them.

Just because the season is over doesn't mean PPYKAG is in hibernation, folks. We'll be blogging about the upcoming Bravo programming Top Chef Masters and Top Chef: Just Desserts — follow us on Twitter to make sure you keep up with our newest posts. Thanks for reading!

[still of Ashley and Ash courtesy of Bravo telecast; Chef Academy photo: Bravo]

Kevin Wins Our Hearts, But Not Top Chef

Booooooo. And also: boooooooo.

Seriously.

When did this become Top Knife-Puller? Kevin, who apparently lacked the Voltaggios' knife-block-xray-vision, was saddled with Preeti "Pasta Salad" Mistry, and Ash "Still in love with Picasso" Fulk. We're pretty sure Kevin would have won if he hadn't spent the entire first day making up fake tasks for Preeti to keep her away from the real food.

Famous Beards Through the Ages

Kevin may not have won, but his success on the show surely catapults his beard into the top-five awesomest of all time:

The Great Emancipator, savior of the environment, bringer of joy to children's hearts, fearsome swashbuckler. And then there's these other four guys next to Kevin.

Quotebook

• Mike: "They’ll look at it and be like, 'Well, this doesn’t really look like the food that Michael usually cooks,' but then when they get into it, then they’ll find me in there." Padma then found her rockfish covered in a bunch of teeny tiny tattoos and a too-deep V-neck t-shirt.
• Mike: "No one wants to be told what to cook." Yeah, good thing that's not the basis for this entire show or anything. Good thing.
  
• Mrs. Voltaggio: "Tom, I live in Vegas, I know where to find you." Colicchio's life threatened; the Voltaggios take first and second place. Coincidence?

Fun Kevin Fact No. 39


He turned down the Massachusetts Institute of Technology for a different MIT: Meat in Tummy.

Miscellany

• How brutal was it when the judges ripped on the contestants' food in front of their moms? There's no joke here, we just thought that was mean.
• In case it wasn't clear, the grand prize isn't $125,000 cash, but rather $125,000 worth of Glad products. I think we know what every member of the Voltaggio family is getting for Christmas this year.
  
• Who's boobs were bigger in this episode, Padma's or Kevin's?

We'll be back next week to recap the Top Chef reunion, in the meantime, follow us on Twitter and send angry letters to Bravo at:

Bravo Viewer Relations
3000 W. Alameda Ave., Suite 250
Burbank, CA 91523

[Photos of Kevin and Mike: Bravo]

Who's the Boss? Kevin.

Yesterday we did a top ten countdown of Things We're Looking Forward to in Tonight's Finale on our Twitter feed. In anticipation of the big event, here’s the complete list:

10. Padma: Episode II - Revenge of the Bangs

9. Top Chef spin-off announced: a remake of Who's the Boss, with Robin and Eli playing the roles of Tony and Angela. Colicchio to guest star as Mona.


8. Kevin Fun Fact No. 147 - he holds the high score on the Frogger arcade in the Top Chef pantry.

7. Gail's neckline finally dips below her belly button.

6. Bryan throws Mike off his game by telling him he was a mistake.

5. Not realizing all his powers lay in his beard, Kevin shaves; takes 3rd place.

4. Mike and Jen finally give into temptation and get to second in the back of the Prius.

3. A slap in the face to Padma's Carl's Jr. sponsors: her baby daddy is revealed to be The Burger King.


2. Bryan wins; still refuses to break monotone.

1. Kevin revealed to be the Ghost of Christmas Past, here to teach Mike and Bryan a lesson about the importance of family.


Ok but really, we just want Kevin to win.

Power Rankings Finale

Listen, Mike, whatever you and Jen do
in your free time is YOUR business

Using the magic of our Digital Video Recorder, we watched the final 10 seconds of next week's finale preview something like 15 times.

We mapped out where each judge and cheftestant was positioned during the final judge's table, measured the tilt of Padma's head when she began to congratulate this season's Top Chef, and used a magnifying glass to check the reflection in her pupils — all in an effort to determine just who she was looking at when she declared the next Top Chef.

And after a half hour of debate and schematics we decided that even if Michael Voltaggio was wearing a Top Chef tiara and sash, we'd still put Kevin at No. 1 in this, our final Top Chef Season 6 Power Rankings.

Week 13 Power Rankings

1. Kevin (last week – 1): If Kevin Gillespie is wrong, we don't want to be right.
2. Bryan (last week – 2): If and when his beard has a Facebook group we'll consider putting him at No. 1.
3. Mike V. (last week – 4): What they didn't tell Mike V. about his new Prius - Robin is the voice on the GPS device. And it never stops talking.
4. Padma: Yes, we know she isn't a contestant. But with those bangs and that outfit she deserves to be ranked last in something.

Eliminated: Jen C., Eli, Robin; Mike I.; Laurine; Ash; Ashley; Ron; Mattin; Hector; Jesse; Preeti; Eve; Jen Z.

[Photo: Bravo]

"Were you 80 percent jazzed by it?"

We generally take notes on each episode as we watch to remind us of the anecdotes we want to write about on PPYKAG. Tonight, one of these notes read simply: "PADMA WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" More on that later ...

Sadly, this wasn't even the worst outfit of the episode.

Vocabulary Lesson

• Absoperfect: Gail Simmons uses this adjective to describe Bryan's pumpkin ravioli. She later says she "fell in love with" said ravioli. Maybe we should give you and the pasta some time alone, Gail?
• Unctuous: Jen told Padma that her duck was "unctuous," and thus good for the baby. Dictionary.com tells us that "unctuous" means "of the nature of or characteristic of an unguent or ointment; oily; greasy." You know what actually WOULD be good for the baby? Not being illegitimate. But as that ship has sailed, this child apparently has to settle for foodstuffs with the consistency of Neosporin.

Fashion Faux Pas

• Jen's hair apparently can only exist in one of two states of being: Side Ponytail or Out of Control Lion's Mane.
  
• Mike's necklines are slowly creeping lower and lower. We wish this season was longer, because eventually he and Gail would be wearing the same outfit.

• God only knows what was going on with Padma's whole ... thing. From the knees up she was a sexy ninja smuggling a basketball; from the knees down she was Big Bird. Perhaps it was an attempt to distract from those bangs.
  

Miscellany

• Instead of offering a prize for winning the Elimination Challenge, the judges should have threatened a punishment for the loser: wearing Padma's outfit home.
  
• When discussing the potential success of his dish, Mike noted that "it's up the egg at this point." Does the egg ... tell you to do things, Mike?
• Jen mentions her car is so old it doesn't even have a CD player. And she rides a bicycle with one giant front wheel and one little tiny back wheel.

Only one week left, which means Thursday will mark the very last Power Rankings of the season. So listen to what your eggs are telling you, kids, and come back tomorrow!

[Padma photo: Bravo; pictures of Mike, Gail, and ninja-Padma courtesy of Bravo telecast.]