Power Rankings: Week Ten

Uh huh. We're the "white" team.

This week's Power Rankings really beg the question: "Do you guys have big watermelons?"

1. Paul (last week - 1): The dude has four pairs of caterpillar socks people. FOUR pairs.
2. Grayson (last week - 2): Points for getting unnecessarily "brutalized" by Tom. Bonus points for saying both "MUTHA-FUCKA" and "HURRY! LIGHT THE FIRE! YOU ARE THE SHIT!" on national television.
3. Lindsay (last week - 5): Two questions: Best...hat...ever? But also, how much awesomer would these team challenges be if the teams were identified by a color AND an animal?
4. Sarah (last week - 3): Might've had a better shot at the quickfire win if she was a member of the, and we're just spitballing here, Red Jaguars.
5. Edward (last week - 4): Should probably consider "pacing up and down the hall" at night. That would be the...Healthier Choice. (See what we did there?)

[photo: NBC/Universal]

Top Chef: I've tricked people into thinking that it's mayo.

So ... this happened.

Dear Padma,

Seriously: what the what is going on?  You showed up to the Quickfire today dressed like you we caught you in the midst of a Stride of Pride circa 1994, during which you had been attacked by a dog that ate only pants and sleeves.  

and ... this.

And just when we thought our eyeballs were safe, here came Slutty Ghost of Christmas Past, Dressed for the Beach.  Just FYI ... regular clothes: they're a thing.

XOXO,

PPYKAG



Quotent Quotables

• Ed: "All Asian food is healthy." The toxic emissions that permeate our home after one of us has consumed pork fried rice from "USA Chinese" beg to differ, Ed.
• Chris: "I don't like bees ... if they sting me a few times, I could really be in trouble."  Being afraid of bees and being in danger of anaphylaxis are two different things, Chris.  If you get stabbed a few times by a crazed block party goer whose triggers include resort-wear interpretations of Charles Dickens characters, then you could also be in trouble.
• On two different occasions, Ed mentioned he was making "pickled veg."  Has the word "vegetables" become SO ONEROUS?  Apparently, yes.  It totes has.

Miscellaneous

• The winning Quickfire duo didn't get immunity, but did get "10,000 smackeroos from Healthy Choice."  To Grayson and Chris' great dismay, "smackeroos" turned out to be the new flavor of Cafe Steamers.  (Oh, please.  Pretend you don't know the difference between a Cafe Steamer and a Fresh Mixer.)
• It took us a few minutes, but we finally realized that the "Healthy Choice Flavor Ambassador" was, in fact, former TC cheftestant Ryan Scott.  Why did Padma and Tom pretend like they'd never met him, and he was just one of the many frozen entree diplomats they encounter on a regular basis?
• WTF is HughesNet, and why is Cindy from Lost its spokesperson?  Every time we see that commercial, we're freaked out it's some sort of mind experiment perpetrated on us by Charles Widmore or something.

For more Top Cheffery (and the secret to why Richard never ages), tune back into tomorrow for our Power Rankings.

[photos: NBC/Universal]

Power Rankings: Week Nine

No, YOU'RE prettier!

1. Paul (last week - 3): "Is that a union issue?!" (p.s., we're kind of delirious right now, so whenever we couldn't think of something, we just repeated a stupid thing Tom said)
2. Grayson (last week - 1): We're pretty sure that she called Charlize Theron "Charlie" upon their first meeting.  So ... that's cool.
3. Sarah (last week - 5): Made cottage cheese sauce on crab sound good, even to people with a gastrointeritis and a shellfish allergy (true story).
4. Edward (last week - 2): "You put good and evil together, and you end up with a politician!"
5. Lindsay (last week - 6): "Instead of pheasants, it should have been PEASANTS!"  Wakka wakka wakka (Fozzy Bear sounds)!
6. Chris J. (last week - 7): Hair ... something ... something ... I Love Lucy Quickfire ... something ... we give up.

[photo: NBC/Universal]

Top Chef: Or, a Murder Song

Hey, I didn't know the Dromedary Foot-Appendage Society 

of America had a new Goodwill Ambassador!

Not that you guys are interested, but our children disease vectors have brought decimating illness into PPYKAG headquarters, and things are pretty rough over here.  One of us just deliriously yelled at the other for "losing the remote," when it was in his own hand.  We're pretty sure we're never eating again, and also that we've slipped into an alternate state of consciousness brought on by flat ginger ale and these Armenian crackers from Trader Joe's.  Long story short: forgive our brevity tonight.

Without further ado, a list of other stuff that makes us not want to eat anything anytime soon:

• Grayson dissecting that black chicken.  We kept expecting Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum, inspired by a patriotic speech from Bill Pullman, to burst in and save us.  And then they didn't, but we totally remembered how radical movies were circa the summer of 6th grade.
• How excruciating that dinner party was.  Charlize Theron's horrible jokes!  Tom Colicchio's also-horrible jokes, but made even worse because he was clearly trying to impress Charlize Theron with them!  Emeril nearly having an aneurysm from holding back the urge to yell to someone — ANYONE — to kick it up a notch! Padma's pointy dress flap!  
• Ed's creepy way of moving his jaw when he's being lechy.
• Non-Italian people who intentionally use the Italian pronunciation of things, like "risot-to."  Like, you know when people order "brus-ket-ta"?  Or say "shed-dule"?  LIKE, OKAY, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY, THAT YOU'RE SMARTER THAN ME?  And if you're about to point out that "schedule/shed-dule" is in fact an English word and not an Italian one, then yes, fine, you're at least equally as smart as us.  And also, probably better at managing your anger issues.

If we're still alive in a few hours, we'll check you at the Power Rankings.

[photo: NBC/Universal]

Power Rankings: Week Eight

Sorry, Hugh, I didn't catch that - I was distracted by the giant martini olive.

1. Grayson (last week - 2): SEX IN THE MOUTH.  Is that still funny a week later?  Whatever, haters, who's writing this blog post, us or you?
2. Edward (last week - 6): 9 out of 10 Blurry Face Syndrome sufferers agree he should bring home the title.
3. Paul (last week - 1): Knocked down a few notches after we saw his high school hairdo.
4. Beverly (last week - 8): Just don't trust her to cook your fish THE EXACT WAY YOU TOLD HER TO COOK IT.
5. Sarah (last week - 3): Might make it to the finals if there's no more challenges involving BBQing out in the sun, or being nice to other humans.
6. Lindsay (last week - 7): If this doesn't work out, she can always fall back on that Johnson and Wales University degree.
7. Chris J. (last week - 4): His "Cracker Jacks" didn't even have a prize in them!  Also, they looked like a bowl of loose stools.  But mainly the thing about no plastic compass that doesn't really work, or sometimes a fake tattoo of something lame, like a tree frog or something.

 [photo: NBC/Universal]

Top Chef: We have to stay calm!

  And the funny thing is, the voodoo doll I made of Heather

totally works on Sarah, too!

Sometimes we wonder whether these people have ever watched Top Chef.  Or whether they've watched ... television.  Like, how do they not know that when everyone talks about what a huge wreck Beverly is, OF COURSE she's going to waste them all in the next challenge?  Just don't come crying to us if you got kicked off the week you made an emotional phone call home to your toddler child/pregnant wife/invalid mom, okay?

Good to know

• A number of diners who frequent Edward's restaurant are, sadly, afflicted with incurable cases of Blurry Face.  Now you know.  And knowing is half the battle.  The other half is inventing some medicine.
• Sarah: "Beets beets beets beets beets beets beets."  Thanks, Sarah.  And may we also add: beets.  And: stop being such a pill.
• If Padma's pants are to be believed, Contempo Casuals is back in business! 
• If Lindsay's duster/vest is to be believed, the spring sale is on at The Limited, and it's 1998!

Impressive!

• Lindsay informed us that she always has to be the best at what she does, which is why she was first in her class in college.  But we've heard that Johnson and Wales University has some mean grade inflation, so what does a 4.0 mean there nowadays, really?
• Keith continues to rank #4 on the Fan Favorite poll, despite having been kicked off SIX WEEKS AGO. 

Annoying things

• Why do the waiters on Restaurant Wars always like, suck at life?  Does Bravo get a tax break for hiring ex-cons?
• Since when does Restaurant Wars involve ... decorating the bathrooms?  Is that a thing?
• The word "moist" was repeated far too many times in this episode for our liking.  Meaning, more than zero times.
• Everything that Padma says, ever.  "Um, I'm not sure what he's doing out there in his APRON," she said about Ty-Lor, using a tone so disdainful that you would have thought he was walking through the dining room wearing jorts.  With like, swastikas on them.  Or ... this (NSFW)(unless you're like me and you strategically point your monitor away from prying eyes)(in which case, stop being a creeper, what are you, like, looking at porn or something all day?)

At least Ty-Lor "had the time of his life," guys.  Except for that part with the botched abortion, and how hard it is to carry a watermelon.

[photo: NBC/Universal]

Power Rankings: Week Seven

Whatcha looking at, Paul?

1. Paul (last week - 1): When he couldn't pronounce "molecular gastronomy," we just wanted to pinch his cheeks!
2. Grayson (last week - 6): Please refer to the note we wrote to ourselves while watching the show: SEX IN THE MOUTH WTF??
3. Sarah (last week - 3): The Madonna of Top Chef (accent-wise, not like, cone-bra-wise).
4. Chris J. (last week - 9): Nearly won a Quickfire with a glass of water.
5. Ty-Lor (last week - 7): DID win a Quickfire with a piece of watermelon.
6. Edward (last week - 2): Promised us a "Slama Jama barbeque"; delivered 1983 NCAA Finals free throw stats. Also: is mean.
7. Lindsay (last week - 8): Remember when she used to always talk about how she lived in Mexico?  And then there was ... um ...
8. Beverly (last week - 4): If there's anything that is going to push Beverly over the edge, it's Restaurant Wars.  Or RV smoke detectors.  Either one.

[photo: NBC/Universal]