Top Chef: Or, a Murder Song

Hey, I didn't know the Dromedary Foot-Appendage Society 

of America had a new Goodwill Ambassador!

Not that you guys are interested, but our children disease vectors have brought decimating illness into PPYKAG headquarters, and things are pretty rough over here.  One of us just deliriously yelled at the other for "losing the remote," when it was in his own hand.  We're pretty sure we're never eating again, and also that we've slipped into an alternate state of consciousness brought on by flat ginger ale and these Armenian crackers from Trader Joe's.  Long story short: forgive our brevity tonight.

Without further ado, a list of other stuff that makes us not want to eat anything anytime soon:

• Grayson dissecting that black chicken.  We kept expecting Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum, inspired by a patriotic speech from Bill Pullman, to burst in and save us.  And then they didn't, but we totally remembered how radical movies were circa the summer of 6th grade.
• How excruciating that dinner party was.  Charlize Theron's horrible jokes!  Tom Colicchio's also-horrible jokes, but made even worse because he was clearly trying to impress Charlize Theron with them!  Emeril nearly having an aneurysm from holding back the urge to yell to someone — ANYONE — to kick it up a notch! Padma's pointy dress flap!  
• Ed's creepy way of moving his jaw when he's being lechy.
• Non-Italian people who intentionally use the Italian pronunciation of things, like "risot-to."  Like, you know when people order "brus-ket-ta"?  Or say "shed-dule"?  LIKE, OKAY, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY, THAT YOU'RE SMARTER THAN ME?  And if you're about to point out that "schedule/shed-dule" is in fact an English word and not an Italian one, then yes, fine, you're at least equally as smart as us.  And also, probably better at managing your anger issues.

If we're still alive in a few hours, we'll check you at the Power Rankings.

[photo: NBC/Universal]